sailingby

Just a thought

2009-03-23T22:44:00.001-07:00

...Oh, I envy not the mountains, nor winds, nor rivers or springs,
I have not the grace of eagles or the speed of winds
The magic of flowers is alien to me, as is the wisdom of the hills,
Like stars, I can't twinkle to light up my path at night
I have not the strength of love, no purpose in sight
I have but a wish, a desire deep within
Dear Lord, if I can't sigh, teach me how to cry
And, like a bird if I can't fly, at least teach me to sing…

The Good Dog

2009-03-23T22:42:00.000-07:00

05/02/2008

If I had four legs, I would be called a dog, I act and behave like one
But I have two legs and a heart, Unlike the four legged creature
I wait on my master just the same.
And instead of a bone
I wait for a kind word,
Am happy when he says it
And hurt when he lashes out,
Yet, like the good old dog,
I maintain my degree of faithfulness
I come back, the kick forgotten, anxious for a look of approval
I lick his feet, as good dogs do, I whoof in a manner of smile
Am wary of his swinging moods, but dogs have no say, do they?
They never go away, their faith in their master unshaken
Perhaps, they think quietly, someday…
There would be a pat, a hug, along with the bone

Remember, the dog loves his master, unconditionally. Its not the dogs fault that the master is sometimes cruel.

Remember

2009-03-23T22:40:00.000-07:00

07/02/2008

How do I remember anything
That I cannot forget?
That the ripples in my coffee
Is made not from stirring sugar
But is a salty drop called a tear
That the cold, wet feet, is not
From a day in the rain
But an unchecked stream
which flows from eyes
that no more see the world
How do I forget then
What I don’t remember
The pain that stings and maims
And handicaps every second
That’s why I come back, again and again
How can I ignore
What I don’t see
The sky is always above me
Rains come, the sun shines
And even in darkness, winds blow
How do I tell my heart
That no more beats
That love is not enough
That is why, away he goes
To another source
While I shudder and sigh
Maybe even quietly cry
So no more blood flow
All I want to know,
Who betrayed me

or you...

2009-03-23T02:50:00.001-07:00

29/04/2007

I wish I could write another book For You and tell you all over again how much I love you.

But you have reached high above,
Even your shadows dont reach me.
I look for you among the stars,
I realise, how far you have gone from me.
I wonder, if I will ever reach you
As you move further away
I wait here, unmoved, seeing you glow bright
And wondering if I would ever, share your piece of sky
See my tears and not my smiles
Just once realise
that what you see as my strength
is actually my fear, wrapped in smiles
I wish you would return
To hold me in your arms, just once
So that I could show you
What I feel about you
Lie at your feet, love you forever
Till my breath leaves me...

The music played on...

2009-03-23T02:48:00.000-07:00

06/06/2007

In the pale moonlight
By the sea
I saw the sands
Lie very still
Frozen in their wake
The waves rose not
As I struggled
Between laughter and pain
Somewhere far away
The music played on...

The world swayed
But nothing moved
In the distance
Silver stars mourned
Someone’s lipsIn prayers moved
As I struggled
Between defeat and gain
Somewhere far away
The music played on...

It must have been
A parent’s wish, a brother’s plea
A friend’s touch or strangers’ pledge
Or it must have been you
Something, someone wished
Had at last come true
For as I struggled
Between life and death
Somewhere far away
The music played on...

With you...always

2009-03-23T02:45:00.000-07:00

(25-09-07)

If, far away I go
Into a world unknown
While you are still here
Remember, somewhere
I will live on...
Though you may not see
Nor hear me
I will always be
Where I can see you
Though a veil, touch you
I will feel your pain
More than you do...
When you whisper
I will hold you close
And listen to you
Breath means nothing
Though it parts you from me
In spirit I will always be
Around to love you
At nights if you are lonely
I will pray for you
And wish someone would
Come to love you
As in your need I would...
If, am gone and leave you here
Let your imaginations
Fill in all the blanks
Of what could have been
Till time intervened
From life, I have no desire
It gave me you
Even in death, I smile
Wishing someday, somewhere
We would be together again
But, my love, if I could stay
I would, I swear

Your name

2009-03-23T02:44:00.001-07:00

(29-09-07)

I love you,
Yet, you will never hear me
Call your name again
You are no more a mystery,
What I seek, I will find
You are my destiny
And yet, towards you
No step will I take
Never will I see you
When I cry, nor touch you
As I hold you close
If you must see me
Or feel me around you
It will be in time
When I am far from you
At once then, you will know
Where, for me to look
In my nights there will be
No dreams of you
Nor my mornings will light up
With thoughts of you
If my dreams you must share
With your eyes you must see
What I have dreamed of you
In my sighs, your name
Will never rise
For, with time, your name
Is the very air I breathe
In my breath hence,
You must find life of your own...
My heart will never overflow
With love for you
You are precious
And I will save every drop of you
But if love you must know
With your heart you must find
Like in you, I found my own.

Someday...

2009-03-23T02:42:00.001-07:00

Someday, somewhere, you will overcome what your heart and mind fears... You will then accept what you see, what your heart says. You will break the shackles that bind you to your past and want to fly again.

Someday your mind will tell you that laughter is what you want and your eyes will guide to that one person with whom you enjoy sharing a smile...you will look forward to that moment when once again wait to hear a voice you love to hear...

Someday, you will reach out and touch the person beside you and will know that is your future...someday your memories will stop tormenting you and you will think back and tell yourself you are glad you went through it because it helped you see the difference, it will instill your faith in humankind and you will realise that someone, somewhere is only yours, was and will always be. You will be sure of the person as you are sure of yourself...

Someday, when you want to cry, you will know there is only person in the world who will cry with you...

Then, just remember my love, just as you would want that 'someone',.... that 'someone' has always wanted you, has always felt this way about you

The Knife

2009-03-23T02:40:00.000-07:00

(09-12-2007)

A long lonely journey, covered in but a flash,
a leap of faith, a surge of hope, it was,
a brush with death, then slowly, gently, a kiss of life…

Dreamlike days hence, but then a cloud comes by ... its not hope, a cloud devoid of rain, a mass of fear, and once again, after life danced a few minutes, death came calling again...

A gleaming knife, a veiled threat, fear for life…his life, that hung from the knife tip,
an unspoken command,a blank refusal, life hung in balance…against my own,
I would have laid down my life,
in the same instant he made a move to remove his own…
a moment that could have passed without fear or anger,
but a moment that lay in between us,
overwrought with guilt and hatred and anger not our own,
not his, not mine but a shadow from his past,
I, the innocent victim, froze in fear for a life,
that was far precious than my own.

When you touch me...

2009-03-20T22:27:00.000-07:00

On dry earth, when raindrops fall,
And fade away with a delighted sigh,
In that short moment,
The earth becomes a bride,
And raindrops, her beloved,
Touched by the burning drops she slowly melts,
The smell of love fills the air,
In its scent they rejoice,
The earth and the rain…

When you touch me,
Passion overrides sanity
And desire softly sighs
The world explodes
Into million seconds of ecstasy
In a flash, time dissolves
Thoughts surge
Like the churning sea
The mind, a silent outsider
Is no more an enemy
You are not ‘the other’
You become me
When you make love to me
I see a whole new world
Where souls meet
And soulful symphonies play
To the rhythm of our bodies
Held in timeless bonding
In your fulfillment
Is my bliss…

A complete name

2009-03-20T22:24:00.000-07:00

A name within a name,
Where alphabets follow one another
Through this journey called life
Have you ever realized?
In your name is my own
And in mine is yours?
The first letter in yours
Follows the first of mine
And second of mine
Does not leave
The very first of yours…
Imagine then,
What would be
If one of them was taken away
A name there wouldn’t be,
Only an incomplete word
That meant nothing
Put the two letters of your name
Along with two letters of mine
See, what you find?
Another complete name!

Random thoughts

2009-03-20T22:22:00.000-07:00

It merely crawls, this thing you call time
Crawls like a worm determined to die
It not only crawls, but carries on its mind
Gloom and misery, never lets go
There is something about time
That is so purposeful
A reflection of something gone wrong
For you can never tell
Just where it will go
But go, it will
Somewhere, perhaps
Not where you want it to
But it is worse when it crawls
For the mind
Never slows down
For time to catch up
It is that gap so hard to fill
So hard, a reason to find
To hurry it along…

What good is the world?

2007-05-22T01:20:00.000-07:00

What good are toys
That never broke in the hands of a child?
That has never been trampled
Never been thrown aside?

What good is the wind
That never unleashed a storm
That never snapped a bloom
Nor caressed a tear dry

What good is the sea
That has never left a throat dry
Never changed colors
Nor changed faces with the tide?

What good are the eyes
That has never let flow a tear
Never hidden a grain of hope
Nor ever mirrored a burning desire

What good is a heart
That never held an ocean of love?
Nor ever nursed fear
Nor ever heard a cry?

What good is love
That never reached another heart?
Nor nursed passion nor life
That simply curled up and died?

What good are the tears
That never moved a heart
That never brought relief
Nor killed me in despair?

The Book

2007-03-03T04:49:00.000-08:00

For You, my first published book of poems!

Betrayal

2006-08-05T05:21:00.000-07:00

I kiss betrayal
As life leaves me
Awaits me, is death
Her welcome sweet
A bubble of deceit
It was, that burst
After four and twenty years
Leaving me hungering
For nothing
Stars weep with the breeze
Shyly touching my cheek
But I know
They betrayed me

No more anything

2006-07-30T03:26:00.000-07:00

Never really looked for a place to call home,
Never really cared to make up
for moments gone,
Loved the winds in far away lands,
Loved the anonymity of curious sands
Never wailed for moments that came
or went away too soon
Never looked for anything
in the pale yellow moon
When I found you
I swapped laughter for tears,
Gave up freedom for bondage
In my heart I nurtured hope,
Filled my mind
with unnecessary dreams
Then one day, you left, vanished
I looked up to see emptiness
The space that you filled was gone,
Gone along with the laughter and rain
The sea I so loved became my grave
There is nothing much left of me
I occupy a place people call life
Ha, how could I be anything?
If not you, then who for me?

A tear

2006-07-26T05:32:00.000-07:00

A moment that should not have happened
A truth that should not have been told
A second that should have moved on
Without the bitterness of love long lost
The moment I saw her, I knew it all
A little of me just died,
A little of my heart
A little of my soul
But the whole of my love
The whole of my goal
My future withered
My past disappeared
My present tainted with tears
The remains of a familiar tale
The footprints no longer seem real
Your name on my lips quiver
The pain in my eyes but familiar
Written on my soul a name
I am scared to utter
A belief I no longer need
Yet am not done
Because, I cannot move away
You remain where you are
I was left far behind

This happens

2006-06-24T03:35:00.000-07:00

It happens not very often, but it does. Strangers become friends and friends become the guardian angels. I have been on the other side rather often, but yesterday, roles were reversed. Mr Mohammed (lets call him so), a someone I met once at the Dubai Abbatoir on an offical visit. As a journo, I do meet people for various reasons, this one reason being no special. Routine reports. I admit not remembering this Mr Mohammed until yesterday. In fact, Mr Mohammed, I recall now did have a rather forgetable face.

One phone call. Strange voice. Stranger circumstance.

"Anjela, are you all right? said the voice. Ignore the pronounciation. Ignore the fact that the person jumped right into the conversation without curtesy. Ignore the rather impertinent question.

"Well, guess so, am alive and speaking, arent I?" That is me. Cannot resist the urge to be sarcastic.
"Thank God." Oh good. Someone was actually thanking the Lord for keeping me alive!!
"Who are you?" My curiosity got the better of me. "Do I know you?"
Any hurt Mr Mohammed may have felt over an undiplomatic queston like that was lost in the conern he felt over my survival.
"Anjela, I was passing through Garhoud and happened to witness an accident. The girl looked a lot like you. I hope you are alright."
I was alright, really except that a nasty feeling crept up my feet and straight into my stomach. Who was the poor dear girl who must be lying hurt waiting for help?
Who was this dear, concerned man who called me up to inquire my state of being?
Once he had established the truth about me, he hastened to explain. "I never did forget you," he said with relief in his voice, "you were so full of life, for once I was scared life had been cruel to you..."

Mr Mohammed, my memory comes back, is from Sudan. A highly literate fellow who works at the Dubai Municipality. Thank God for people like him. Life becomes tolerable.

A worm

2006-06-24T03:34:00.000-07:00

I feel like a worm. Well, if you must know, not all of them are bad, though none of them have spines. Again, it is not the 'spine' that I am speaking of, what is spine but a rather long and ungainly length of bones stuck togather with some sticky goo they call tendons and ligaments. When I say I feel like a worm I mean (right handed compliment!!), I feel like a worm that lives several feet under the surface of this awful earth and is quite a helpful worm at that. The earthworm.

Many factors contributed to this conclusion. A worm has little say, like me right now. Though it is safe under layers of earth, there is the fear that the farmers spade will slash it into two any time. It cannot bleed despite the pain because it has no blood. A little exposure to the elements will scar or burn its delicate, moist skin or even kill it. Ha, haven't we all felt like that many times?

Yet all of us, like the good worm go on doing what we can do best. No farmer can instill so much fear in the heart of the worm that it would cease trying to fertilise the earth for the benefit of the cruel mankind. The worm has no spine, a term used commonly to denote an undesirable charecter, yet I say, despite having no spine, the worm is much better off when compared to their "spine'd" (pardon the bad grammer) fellow being.

All for you

2006-06-21T04:30:00.000-07:00

I dedicate to you...

The first rays of sunshine
The first drop of rain
The first breath I take
Every success I taste
The first fragrance of flowers
My first ever sigh
My first ever laughter
My first ever cries
The first smile
That begins in my mind
The first joyous tear
That springs in my eyes
The first wave of the seas
The first whisper of breeze
The first glow of moonlight
The fist shadow of springs…
The first snowflake
That falls from the skies
The first twinkle of stars
That appear at night
The first blush of red
That glows on my cheeks
The first touch of love
The first warmth of my kiss…

A lesson

2006-06-21T02:17:00.000-07:00

It was when I had ordered breakfast that he spoke. Loudly.

He was inquiring about a finger bowl. The waiter shook his head and said they did not have that system. He insisted, firmly. He wanted a finger bowl and that was that. He even went to the extent of adding that he could not walk to the wash.

Of course he got his finger bowl…along with many stares (me), a grim smile (the waiter).
Could someone teach him some manners please? How could he insist on something that was not available? I don’t know if I would have done what he did, but I was annoyed. I did not like his attitude and that of his family. Very loud. Attention seekers. Show off. Not very healthy companions to share your breakfast with. The kind who put you off your very first meal of the day.

Were there people like him in the world? Apparently so, I told myself. Just the kind you don’t need. Is the guy lame, I thought uncharitably, why could he not walk a few steps just to wash himself? Many such thoughts crossed my mind over the short time I spent over inspecting my breakfast which had suddenly lost appeal. From time to time I felt his eyes on me. Hard. My eyes wandered over to their table often as if the chief source of irritation lay there. I was ready to burst.

They got up to leave. I turned away. But curiosity got the better of me. I wanted to see the last of the man who demanded finger bowls where they did not exist. I wanted to see the egoist, the slave driver, the foul mouthed man who had just made the waiter’s day miserable.

From behind his massive hulk, he produced a pair of crutches. With his wife supporting him, he slowly ambled along. His left foot was heavily bandaged. He seemed to be in much pain. He smiled a slow, meaningful smile as he passed me.

Orphan

2006-06-18T04:29:00.000-07:00

Does anyone know the feelings of an orphan? Of being orphaned? What do orphans think and feel? Are they like you and me? Or are they like me? what does being an orphan mean? Someone who has no parents? Someone whose parents haev disowned him/her or someone who, despite haviing all...has nothing? It is not a pleasent feeling to wake up one morning and find yourself alone in a world of people you know...because they have asked you a price you cannot pay.

What if someone told you that you had to pay for all the love you have been given? For all the times you have been fed and clothed and educated? For your very existence? What does it feel when you realise that despite having everyone around you, you have to pay for your own wedding bouquet?

Is that what being an orphan means? Or is it something worse? It is the latter. It is the feeling of loneliness. It is knowing that when you dying there is no one to cry over you, when you are hungry, no hand will feed you because you do not have the right price to pay. It is knowing that when you begin anything new, there is no one to congratulate you...

It is what is called as being orphaned. For once I envy Oliver Twist.

2006-06-17T05:57:00.000-07:00

I am standing right where I was before the feeling sank in, the feeling of being in Love. I suppose only who have been there would know that giving up the 'me-myself' concept to embrace a collective "us" is far more easier when you are in Love. It matters little if you cannot decide the colour of your curtains or your dinner, because you know behind all that earthly wants is a far deeper sense of being. Of being able to Love. There is so much comfort and joy in knowing that you are capable of giving away a part of yourself to someone willingly.

In the beginning, I did feel lost. It was hard to ignore the self over someone. That someone, is like you and me. He breathes the same air; he is capable of being hurt, of loving, of sharing, of enjoying little things like me. He gets annoyed, he smiles, and he laughs as would anyone. The difference between him and any other guy is that I love him. It is easy to love someone like that. The hard part was to accept that I did. Once acceptance was in place, he became more real. He became the symbol of my life because every time I wanted to I could reach out and touch him.

I was scared, I was thrilled. It was the life journey for me from where I did not have to return. I could just go on where Love would take me. I was eager to start, to put into practice my new life which was fast turning beautiful.

Different.

I cannot say I particularly enjoyed not recognizing myself as a separate individual, because I found myself thinking of us as one. It was a funny realization that I could actually think outside of myself and involve another as a part of me, wanting to look at his life as mine. I suppose this is what freedom means. The ability to feel, to adapt, to imagine and in the end __ to LOVE it all. I was supposing a lot. You see, I had given in to the fact that I was letting him take over. Yes, sometimes it was disconcerting and even enormously weighing me down, but it was easier to fly when someone became the wind beneath your wings.

For someone who has lived liked I have, alien territory does not seem daunting, it is a welcome break. But in matters of emotions we are not looking at new places but at a new life that may not leave the bounds of your own homes, but that which must find a way to grow and blossom in the given boundaries. There was a world of difference of wanting to jump off a 42 ft cliff and wanting to stand on a secure piece of ground with your "otherself" watching.

Sounds of silence

2006-06-17T05:33:00.000-07:00

I walked by the sea. It was well past evening light. The evening was turning cold and in my minds eye I could see all people heading to what they called home.

It was all the same, just as it had been it weeks before. The waves put up a gentle fight against the shores and turned away beaten. The gaggle of children mingled with the roar of youngsters frolicking in the cold brine.

Then I heard it __ first as a whisper, then as a scream before it became deafening and washed out all thoughts.

The sounds of silence.

Has anyone heard it before? If you have, you can tell me how it feels. For me, it felt as though a wave had unleashed its fury upon me.

The sounds of silence hit with so much force that even if you stand on the mountain top and scream, no words will escape you. Silence drowns out the loudest and the gentlest noises. The chaos turned graveyard silent and everything was enveloped in black.

For a moment it felt as if the world was suddenly turned into a black hole from where there was no escape. I saw people there struggling to get out, people who were chained to their own emotions and feelings and desires and who had unknowingly walked a step beyond their normal existence. People who were no longer happy being there, people who wanted to get back into normal existence.

Is that what desire did to you? Did it make you so lonely that the sound of our own heartbeat sounded alien?

You are why

2006-06-16T23:14:00.000-07:00

YOU are why
My sun always shines
And stars twinkle bright
You are why I wake each morn
And bid goodbye to the night

YOU are why
I feel empty no more
You are why I am on the shores
You are why my eyes often smile
And why on my lips it continues to grow

YOU are why
I speak and sing
You are why each day is spring
You are why my heart feels light
You are why no memories sting

YOU are why
I love me so
You are why I’m ne’er low
You are why everything is right
You are why__ I love you so

Eyes

2006-06-16T23:13:00.000-07:00

In my eyes you appear
First, as a dream
To the dreams then
You add warmth
That flows like a stream
The stream then
Turns into a smile
From my eyes they
Flow down my cheeks...

Sometimes, dreams fade
My eyes grow heavy
The smiling stream
Turns hostile then
And melts into warm trickle…
It is the flood I fear
I fear for me, for you,
For it is in my eyes
That you live...

Together

2006-06-16T23:12:00.000-07:00

Let’s walk roads new
With your hand in mine,
Together, till we find
Our piece of paradise

Let us, under the stars
Find a place to rest
On soft warm grass
Lay down our heads

Let us welcome life
With smile in our eyes
And sail through time
In eternal bliss

Let’s leave behind us
Tears which memories bring
In its place, let’s arrange
A new song on our lips

Let’s usher in, a life new
Nourish it with our love
Hold it close to our hearts
And slowly watch it bloom

Let’s together grow old
Celebrate every moment
Through many sunsets
Through many nights cold

Our end is one, roads the same
Let’s on it walk, step by step
With promise ne’er to depart
Till, my beloved, death does us apart.

For you...

2006-06-15T00:48:00.000-07:00

If all the clouds were colorful
I’d weave them into a rainbow
And place them in your eyes
Put their hues in your heart
And teach you how to smile

If all the days were bright
I’d paint them into a scene
Place them on your lap
For you to keep
And its bond with you seal

If all the buds were words
I’d weave them into a song
And place them on your lips
Put their melody in your ears
And teach you how to sing

If all the nights were stars
I’d weave them into a dream
Place them on your mind
And their glow on your cheeks
Then gently lull you to sleep

If all the colors were glowing red
I’d weave them into love
Put them where you could touch
And teach you to share
That God has given you so much

Because I love you...

2006-06-15T00:44:00.000-07:00

Because…
I love you
More than flowers love the rain
That is why, when I see you smile
I know it’s all right
Even through all the pain…

Because…
I love you
More than the stars love the sky
That is why through lonely nights
When they shine bright
I keep your name sealed tight

Because…
I love you
More than the fire loves its warmth
That is why I burn my eyes
With warm bitter tears
To keep the flame alive

Because…
I love you
More than birds love their flight
That is why in their freedom I find
Your success soaring high
Every moment and at all times

Because…
I love you
More than the blind loves his sight
That is why I see your world
Through closed eyes
But clearer than mine

Because…
I love you
More than darkness loves the light
That’s why when I can’t see
In the light of a teary dawn
My fears are cast aside

Because you know who you are
Because you know I love you
You I must find…

Dear God

2006-06-14T22:40:00.001-07:00

There comes a moment,
Long after the sun has set
When I think of you…
In that moment,
Everything dissolves
Into warm thoughts,
I find myself,
On my knees
Before the Almighty
Praying for you…

Dear God,

“If there is a way
Take his troubles away
Ease him from miseries
Life everyday brings
Let there always be
A song on his lips
Open your heart for him
So he may find peace
Love him, so he may find love
Hold him so he may find hope”

I am selfish, I am, dear God
Because I wish this,
For not just every friend,
But for him,
Your special being,
Who means…everything.

Light

2006-06-14T22:40:00.000-07:00

Like light, I come,
To die in your arms
when the sun sets
Like hope I come,
To steal your fear
when darkness nears
Like tears, I come,
to kiss your lips
When you cry
Like love, I come
to warm your heart
On angry nights
Like wind, I come
To caress your cheek
When your are lonely
Like joy, I come
When you laugh
In the face of life
Like a prayer I come
To hold you close
And chase away strife

But as night falls,
I am not prayer, nor hope
Nor love, nor tear…
But a speck of light
As I rush towards you
Through the growing calm
To be one with you
And die silently in your arms

Together

2006-06-14T22:39:00.000-07:00

Carry you

2006-06-14T22:38:00.000-07:00

Somewhere, as darkness sets
You look for a place to rest
Lights fade away into a storm
There is silence all around
Each step feels like death
You weep like you’ve never wept
In your mind a hush descends
Silence breaks into thunder
Your tears turn cold
And pain multiplies a hundredfold
You long for a little light
To show you where to go

Remember then, beloved

Though you are miles apart
I will carry you always
Like the fire in my heart
Never will I let you hurt
As you walk through night
Without an end in sight
Envelop you in embrace, will I
Burn myself,
To brighten your ways
Never will I let the flames die
For I will then carry you
Like the light in my eyes

Can you

2006-06-14T22:25:00.000-07:00

Can you hear the music?
The serenades my heart plays
Can you feel my rhythm?
In every step you take?

Can you feel my pain?
With your tears that flow
Can you feel my warmth?
In the love that pours

Can you hear my prayers
On your lips that rise
Can you touch my dreams
In the movement of your eyes?

...Can you ever walk by
Without finding me there?
Can you, to me ever say
How much you care?